When you're having sex, it can be easy to focus solely on your partner(s) and forget that you're supposed to be having fun and feeling good, too. Sex is, after all, a two- (or three-, or four-, or more-) person affair. So whether you've been having sex for decades or are new to the game, considering the myriad of ways you can work to make sex better is always beneficial, especially if you're a woman. In other words, there's no bad time to visit or re-visit these handy dandy sex tips for women.
Before you start applying the following sex tips to your bedroom life, it's important to establish what the word "sex" actually means to you. "Historically speaking, sex has primarily been focused on and defined by penetrative sex," Emily Morse, doctor of human sexuality and host of the Sex with Emily podcast, tells Woman's Day. But there are a lot of other definitions for sex. Whether you're in a heterosexual, same-sex, or any other type of relationship, sex is what you make of it. "Rather than allowing other people to tell you what is considered to be sex, define it on your own," Ashley Townes, PhD, MPH, tells Woman's Day.
Once you've established your own definition of sex, you'll have a better grasp on the sexual behaviors you're willing to engage in — and the ones you're not. "Women do not have to accept or allow sex that makes them uncomfortable, sex that hurts, or sex that does not bring them pleasure," Townes explains. If you don't want to do something with your partner(s), that's perfectly OK. You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and don't let anybody tell you differently.
With that in mind, the following sex tips for women are bound to take your sexual activities to the next level. From ensuring consent before and during sex, to experimenting with sex toys and different lubes, there are countless fun and innovative ways you can make your next sexperience (ha, get it?) better than your last romp in the sheets.
Practice the art of seduction.
"One of the missing pieces of erotic experiences I hear about frequently from straight and lesbian women is the desire to be seduced by a partner," Sari Cooper, AASECT certified sex therapist and director of Center for Love and Sex, tells Woman's Day. "Whether it's a hookup or a longer term partner, the experience of being emotionally pursued, flirted with, and seduced has become a lost art."
Cooper explains that the reason people may feel more reluctant to text or say something suggestive is because of their fear of coming on "too strong" or making things awkward, embarrassing, creepy, or triggering... and understandably so. You may not know everything about your partner's past sexual experiences, so it can be important to tread carefully. But there are ways to learn about things that may or may not make your partner uncomfortable, like learning if they're turned on by seduction scenes in films, books, or porn.
Ask them "to describe some of these scenes to get a flavor of what it is that is particularly alluring to her," Cooper suggests. "For many women talking about these scenes can be the outercourse that gets their erotic and physical arousal juices simmering." If they do enjoy seductive scenes, it gives you an idea of what they may appreciate from you.
Incorporate yours and your partner's love languages.
Tailoring to each other's love languages doesn't only apply to the non-sexual aspects of a relationship. "If you are a words of affirmation person, ask your partner to give compliments during your sexual experiences," Townes says. "If you are an act of service person, ask your partner to give you a massage." You can also feed each other's love languages by increasing arousal before sexual activity, she adds, like through sexting or phone/video sex.
Masturbate.
"Women should spend time in self-pleasure to make sex more enjoyable," Shannon Chavez Qureshi, PsyD, CST, licensed psychologist, AASECT certified sex therapist, tells Woman's Day. "Spend quality time masturbating so you can be in control of your orgasm and guide your partner towards better pleasure." Megan Fleming, Ph.D. clinical psychologist, AASECT certified diplomate sex therapy, echoes Chavez's sentiment and adds that knowing your pleasure and owning it go hand-in-hand. "It's as much about your pleasure as your partner's pleasure," Fleming tells Woman's Day. "I find a lot of times women are more thinking about sex for their partner versus themselves." But sex can be so much better when all of the parties involved enjoy themselves.
Fleming suggests letting your curiosity take over when you're exploring your body. Do you like external clitoral stimulation? Or do you prefer finding your internal G-spot? How about the different patterns and speeds that can really turn you on? "Once women have a deeper understanding of their bodies and what feels good for them, they can share it with a partner," Morse says. You can even engage in self-pleasure with your partner, if you want to try something new. "Mutual masturbation is one of my favorite sex tips because you get to watch exactly what your partner does to please herself, with the added bonus of it being a huge turn-on to watch," she adds.
Take the focus off of orgasming.
Sometimes you can get so in your head about ensuring you and your partner orgasm that you can lose sight of the purpose of sex: pleasure. "Orgasms are fantastic, but they aren’t necessarily the goal," Morse says. "Good sex is about communication and connection. Take some of the pressure off yourselves and make the sexual 'intention' to explore and find all those other erogenous zones." If you're stressed about one or both (or all) of you climaxing, you may not be able to enjoy what's going on. Take turns massaging each other to release tension and focus more on exploring your bodies and receiving pleasure she suggests.
Another way to get out of your head is to make sex a game, Fleming explains. Sex doesn't have to be limited to the bedroom. You can send flirty texts, put a risqué note in their work or gym bag, or even start a separate email address for all things sex. "Have the idea when you're on that email you're sort of stepping into that erotic, playful persona," she says. "There's no limit to the erotic imagination."
Talk about sex.
That doesn’t mean that you should just up your dirty talk and call it a day (although that can definitely be fun). You should be talking about sex before, during, and after the deed, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells Woman's Day. “Research suggests that when you talk about sex during sex, you experience higher levels of self-esteem and satisfaction,” she explains.
These conversations don’t have to simply focus on what feels good, either. You should be talking about sex as a noun instead of a verb, O’Reilly explains. So instead of asking about your partner’s fantasies, ask them questions like this: What does sex mean to you? How important is sex to you? How often do you want to have sex? How do you want to feel before, during, and after sex? And of course, these conversations should also focus on establishing consent before and during sex, especially if you’re interested in trying something new with your partner(s). No one can have a great time if they’re not a completely comfortable, willing participant.
Build anticipation.
While most people consider anticipation to be the sexy tease that eventually leads to a big climax, O’Reilly says that’s not entirely true. “Anticipation is not the precursor to pleasure. Anticipation is pleasure,” she says. “If you go straight for the goods, you will both miss out on this important stage of pleasure.” In other words, it’s important to take your time.
Instead of going to the spot that you know will drive you and your partner wild first, O’Reilly says to just suggest you’ll get there. “By alluding to what you’re going to do with your words, body language, and teasing touch, you build sexual energy and desire that mounts into a more climatic response.” In fact, research shows that dopamine, a chemical associated with reward and pleasure, is released as soon as we begin to anticipate a reward — not just when you receive it. “This is why planning a vacation is often more exciting and pleasurable than the trip itself, and why dopamine levels can rise dramatically when we dream of future plans like retirement.”
So instead of jumping right into the deed, make sure you spend time teasing. Kiss their thighs before oral, or have your partner undress you very slowly. That anticipation will just make the moment when you do have sex much more satisfying.
Experiment with edging.
“Edging often refers to working yourself up right to the brink of orgasm several times without allowing yourself to go over the edge and actually climax,” O’Reilly says. It’s similar to building anticipation, but on a larger scale.
You can practice this with your partner(s), or on your own by masturbating. “Some people take themselves all the way to the brink of orgasm — so a 9 on a scale from 1 to 10 — and then bring themselves back down to a two,” O’Reilly explains. “You might find that you experience more intense and full-bodied pleasure as you prolong the sexual experience through edging. Orgasms may feel more powerful as you delay their onset.”
In addition to intensifying the anticipation, sex will actually likely last longer if you play with edging. You can even use it as a way to slow down the process to ensure everyone finishes.
Get comfortable in your own skin.
“Body image is contagious,” O’Reilly says. “If you’re comfortable in your body, your partner is more likely to enjoy theirs. If you’re self-conscious, it can make them feel self-conscious, too.” While it’s far more easier said than done, taking the first step in cultivating a positive body image can be a revolutionary act of self-love — better sex is just the cherry on top.
According to a study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health, women who feel good about their genitals are more likely to have orgasms and practice sexual health-promoting behaviors, like visiting their OBGYN regularly. So being comfortable in your own skin can improve sex, too. Some ways to cultivate body positivity include posting positive affirmations to your mirror, throwing away your scale, engaging with body positive, inclusive media that shows a wide range of body types, and learning how to accept a compliment.
Use lube.
“Lube makes sex wetter, better, hotter, and more exciting and varied,” O’Reilly says. It also ensures that sex isn’t painful, because it subs in for your natural lubricants, which aren’t always enough to get things going. (And that’s perfectly fine.) “Your options for kissing, rubbing, stroking, twisting, grinding, positioning, and riding are simply far greater when the slippery stuff is involved,” O’Reilly explains. “Research and data confirms that those who use lube report higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and sexual fulfillment.”
What kind of lube you use depends on a lot of things, including allergies and whether you’re using a condom. Water-based lubes are always a safe bet, so reach for one of those if you’re unsure. O’Reilly suggests any of Astroglide’s lubes for some slippery fun.
Be selfish.
“If magazine headlines and book sales are any indication, we’ve shifted from a culture of sexual taker to a culture of highly performative givers when it comes to sex,” O’Reilly says. “Giving is great, but when it comes to sex, the performative element of giving can detract from the experience of pleasure.” In other words, we’re so concerned with making sure our partners think we’re having a good time, that we don't actually give ourselves the chance to have a good time, too.
The easiest way to change this dynamic, is to “[by] receiving pleasure without apology,” O’Reilly says. So if something your partner is doing feels really good for you, allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy that feeling without being concerned about whether or not they’re also experiencing pleasure. “Give yourself permission to be selfish once in a while so that you can fully immerse yourself in the pleasure of sex without worrying about the performance,” O’Reilly says.
This, of course, doesn’t mean that you should completely forget about your partner’s experience, or ignore what they want or desire for the sake of your own fulfillment. Opportunities to be selfish during sex should be provided to all involved. But allowing yourself the freedom to really enjoy the moment, without much consideration for how your partner(s) is feeling, will make sex better for all involved. “You’ll likely find that the experience becomes more intense, pleasurable, and meaningful once you relinquish the pressure to please,” O’Reilly says.
Practice mindfulness and presence outside of the bedroom.
“If you want to develop a sexual skill, it’s much easier to cultivate the skill generally — outside of sex — and then apply it in sexual situations,” O’Reilly says.
A great skill to try and cultivate is mindfulness and presence, especially if you have a hard time getting outside of your own head during sex. “Are you present and mindful throughout the day? Simply focus on your breath and the way your breath feels in your body,” O’Reilly explains “If you can’t be present sitting still, it will be tough to be present during sex.” And the more present you are during sex, the more tuned-in to your pleasure you’ll be.
Take your time.
“Whatever your inclination is with regard to speed, cut it in half, and then consider slowing down even more,” O’Reilly says. “Sex is exciting, but most of us move more quickly and apply more pressure than we realize, especially when we are excited and aroused.”
An easy way to slow down, according to O’Reilly, is to start simple — with your breathing. “Before you approach your love, or as you begin to connect physically, try taking a few deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth,” she explains. “Count as you inhale and exhale, and visualize the air moving throughout your body to allow every square inch to be nourished and aroused by the experience.” This has the added benefit of getting you inside of your body and out of your head, so you can truly enjoy your partner(s).
Of course, if you and your partner(s) are purposely engaging in a quickie, then speed is ideal, but if you're not, slowing things down can make sex even more sensational. "There are many erroneous zones on the body," Townes says. "Try exploring the body through the fives senses (seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touch)."
Express pleasure profusely.
Unless you’ve got extremely thin walls or a nosey roommate, there is no reason to keep yourself from being vocal during sex. “Do not stifle your sounds or hold your breath!” O’Reilly says. “We tend to do both of these things when we are nervous, but doing so not only hinders your own sexual response, but can cause your partner to tense up as well.” It’s also an indicator that you’re holding back, which neither you nor your partner(s) should want.
So while you shouldn’t put on a performance just to put on a performance, if you’re someone who gets a release from moaning, don’t silence yourself. “The more relaxed you are, the more your partner’s mood will reflect yours, so breathe deeply and allow your sounds of delight to emanate freely,” O’Reilly says. “Moan, groan, and let them know just how much you love their body, your connection and the experience as a whole.”
Keep an open mind.
While you don’t have to be open to everything, and you should never feel pressured to do something you do not want to do, it’s important to remember that what’s enjoyable for you might not be enjoyable for everyone. “Just because a sex act or experience is unappealing to you, that doesn’t mean someone else, including your partner, cannot derive extreme pleasure from it,” O’Reilly says. So as long as the sex act doesn’t make you uncomfortable, or is a trigger, consider a wide variety of options and new ways to explore your body and that of your partner(s).
“There are no universal rules when it comes to sex and relationships, so be open to considering options beyond what immediately appeals to you,” O’Reilly says. “If you reject an idea from the onset, you will miss out on all of the related intricacies and details that might be immensely pleasurable for both you and your partner (or partners).”
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