Right next to the condoms, many a CVS, Duane Reade, or wherever you like to pick up a six-pack of TP and a candy bar sells bona fide sex toys. It's glorious. I love sex toy shops for the selection and informed salespeople who have heard and probably tried it all, but sometimes a trip to the drugstore is the most you can do. And why shouldn't you be able to snag a vibrator on your midnight tampon run?
After admiring them on the shelves, though, I wondered how pleasurable these pleasure products could be. They're cheaper than the LELOs and Craves of the world, but are any of them worth it? Years of sex-toy testing have left me with Champagne taste in vibrators and an unwavering allegiance to the Hitachi Magic Wand, which is IMO the LBD of sex toys and something that everyone with a clit should try in their lifetime.
In the pursuit of better and yet still budget-friendly sex, though, I set the Wand aside and headed to CVS and Duane Reade to purchase the Bodywand Mini Massager (for which I shelled out $23.99); the Durex Play Delight Vibrating Bullet ($29.49); the Trojan Hot Spot Vibrating Ring ($18.49); the Durex Ring of Bliss Vibrating Ring ($18.29); and the LifeStyles a:muse His & Hers Pleasure Massagers ($13.99), a kit that includes both a finger massager and a cock ring. I also enlisted an enthusiastic volunteer to help me try them all, which was free. Ahead, I rate them all on a scale of one to five pink purse emojis, which I chose because — well, figure it out.
Bodywand Mini Massager ($23.99)
"What do women like?" Bodywand's execs asked themselves as they mulled over the design for their mini massager. "Rhinestones and hot pink, of course!" I couldn't tell if I hated the aesthetic or thought it was cute, but the Bodywand looked otherwise promising — with their soft, rounded heads and generally powerful vibes, wands are it for all-over clit stimulation. And I spent a more romantic evening with this one than I generally do with animate partners. I happened to be staying in a hotel solo the first time I tried it, so obviously I got into the bathrobe hanging in the closet and drew a whirlpool bath and really leaned in to giving this sparkly hot-pink little guy a chance. We were going to get to know each other.
If this had been a date with a human man, the man would have been dressed in a flashy suit and have given me a blindingly white grin, and then told me vaguely interesting but ultimately unsatisfying stories all night. It doesn't feel bad, but it doesn't feel amazing either, and you kind of have to really grind into it to get anywhere, for example, an orgasm. In Vibrator World, there's "buzzy" and there's "rumbly": Buzzy toys make a bunch of noise, but the vibrations are higher-frequency and feel surface-level or shallow. Rumbly toys deliver deeper, lower-frequency, more fulfilling vibrations. The Bodywand is on the buzzier end of the spectrum. It's better than no vibrator, but I'm still making room in my suitcase for my Magic Wand.
Rating:
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-YX3RryK-INLi-Lx4adfZ1LoGi9KIKFoGAEOSdMzwIIqxdEBjDlWNrykDc7LF773oQKzeOI2aGSZKACGfkvP0oVi0ZdVH0cvLOKsZOQUj4oQ9mGlcYwhuZlOgjqyFfhjOPrMHs_uhttps://lh4.googleusercontent.com/e1awokih20UUNSnnZopFjtwoNYAFG4PRn3WfhyslWV7iIar7kkfSeGSJEQvUgUaWnouI80fdb-nsUpsVVrc9v0zyoKV7-7E6Uep2rPjdWR0Uifm9G1e_mffOzDLIkGl7AahPmWeQ
Durex Play Delight Vibrating Bullet ($29.49)
Well, hellooo, Durex, I only ever knew you as a condom brand but I should take another look, because this bullet treated me right. In a toy-testing marathon with my partner, I tried the Bodywand again and then had my partner use this Durex bullet on me for comparison, and yes, the Bodywand still felt on the buzzy side of things, while this three-speed bullet was rumblier and very, very nice. Bullets are for targeted clit stimulation, not penetration, and they're slim, so they can easily be mixed in with whatever other sex-things you're doing. Start with the lowest speed and work your way up. No, this bullet is not as powerful as, say, We-Vibe's Tango, but it's also $50 cheaper, so there's that.
Rating:
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-09be3fnkrJcBFT8M2zUcBlPfsl8wV8IHN7M7g52CH0icX5wAePijBioWKUXF_14VuF6d1ZB-ri_Ta3uGvgjRNbipGcWYRC86F2JN3LQOigh38a6SileXU8ehen9ap-AmZEu7qaVhttps://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-09be3fnkrJcBFT8M2zUcBlPfsl8wV8IHN7M7g52CH0icX5wAePijBioWKUXF_14VuF6d1ZB-ri_Ta3uGvgjRNbipGcWYRC86F2JN3LQOigh38a6SileXU8ehen9ap-AmZEu7qaVhttps://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-YX3RryK-INLi-Lx4adfZ1LoGi9KIKFoGAEOSdMzwIIqxdEBjDlWNrykDc7LF773oQKzeOI2aGSZKACGfkvP0oVi0ZdVH0cvLOKsZOQUj4oQ9mGlcYwhuZlOgjqyFfhjOPrMHs_uhttps://lh4.googleusercontent.com/e1awokih20UUNSnnZopFjtwoNYAFG4PRn3WfhyslWV7iIar7kkfSeGSJEQvUgUaWnouI80fdb-nsUpsVVrc9v0zyoKV7-7E6Uep2rPjdWR0Uifm9G1e_mffOzDLIkGl7AahPmWeQ
Trojan Hot Spot Vibrating Ring ($18.49)
Is this ring is supposed to remind you of a snake? A black, scaly snake encircling your partner's penis? Not sure. It's made with rubber latex, which I actually prefer to the stiffer silicone of more expensive rings; it has more give as you and your partner move, and isn't hard to put on or take off (and also doesn't make your partner feel like it's choking their dick, but I guess that's a matter of individual taste). This ring has one speed and a battery that lasts for 20 minutes, supposedly, but we didn't use it for that long. It is decidedly All Right. "I'm not so sure about it" were my exact words. Mostly, this ring didn't feel like much of anything. I wished the vibrator part stuck out farther for more consistent clit contact, and that the vibes were rumblier. My partner agreed: "The frequency was too high, so I felt like I kind of got numb to the vibrations quickly," he shrugged afterward. But then, plenty of reviewers have said good things about it and it's only $18.49. If you are going to drop around ~$20 on a cock ring, though, just buy Jimmyjane's Iconic Ring, which is among Jimmyjane's more affordable products and is surprisingly powerful and lovely.
Rating:
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/tBdOpwOTnEJz7EMGfi-bb_v-XM51buCiaCrajNF0j8LjkNPhOdRggN0m4KceUuZE6VdirQIbqrFnqNgjXAKnBGAgPpm1-K-7urKxxfVBnth_E1c7kmjceIjvPeFXV-2SzZHJkHiZhttps://lh5.googleusercontent.com/DY5gBvAbxhsPEZKa7Gh0xizsgdmMvSFtokQaYgNX01ydLgNsDXsj3-C5ssSCGGD63kfm_bj_LW31aW2qQsQN4HDy4N9Y_g3x6Wr6k7g09f32wFDCl_e0yek_f3i3DoerbXsg-J2q
Durex Ring of Bliss Vibrating Ring ($18.29)
First of all, this toy reminds me forcefully of Hades' hair in Disney's Hercules.
Others I've shown it to swear they see a squid. (If nothing else, consider this product for sheer entertainment value, like it's a tiny penis-themed Rorschach test: whatever you think it looks like says something about your future as a couple.)
I also love the name. It's so confident. This is not just a ring or a vibrating ring. It's a ring of bliss.
And it was more blissful than Trojan's ring. The Hades-hair attachment looks a little odd but doesn't do a bad job of dispersing the toy's vibrations on and around your clit, even when you and your partner aren't squashed right up against each other, which is helpful when you're in any position other than on top. The ring itself is thin and stretchy, so you can fit it over both balls and shaft at once if you so desire. "It felt fine on, it didn't feel too constrictive," my partner said. Also: "Sometimes I feel like cock rings are a little bit more of a novelty than they are important." This doesn't have to be the case if you use a good one, but ultimately cock rings are more for the partner with a clit than the one with a penis. This ring still isn't an improvement on Jimmyjane's in my mind, but it's not a waste of $18.49.
Rating:
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-09be3fnkrJcBFT8M2zUcBlPfsl8wV8IHN7M7g52CH0icX5wAePijBioWKUXF_14VuF6d1ZB-ri_Ta3uGvgjRNbipGcWYRC86F2JN3LQOigh38a6SileXU8ehen9ap-AmZEu7qaVhttps://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-YX3RryK-INLi-Lx4adfZ1LoGi9KIKFoGAEOSdMzwIIqxdEBjDlWNrykDc7LF773oQKzeOI2aGSZKACGfkvP0oVi0ZdVH0cvLOKsZOQUj4oQ9mGlcYwhuZlOgjqyFfhjOPrMHs_uhttps://lh6.googleusercontent.com/1D6vuYQ3kNkvrMeJls7u2Hmzp64WKyih7EnfcumFlSTgH7qJ1pDrfHq7fDfUsUOB2WAJeXCEv368-BKaAnjhpoz1fal_goiy92UKnhPt1xqCYiOWfHYX_bsCVUeR0CcjtfX9fnks
LifeStyles a:muse His & Hers Pleasure Massagers ($13.99)
For the price of lunch (well, maybe lunch from Whole Foods), you too could be the owner of this finger massager/cock ring combo ... except for the fact that I really only bought a finger massager, since try what I might I cannot turn on the ring. The finger massager, though, redeems the purchase somewhat. It was probably the second most powerful toy I tried after the Durex bullet, but with the added benefit of the strap for your or your partner's finger, which my partner appreciated. "I don't feel like I have a lot of dexterity with a conventional vibrator," he said. "Putting this on my finger gave me the kind of dexterity I want to feel confident and comfortable." I'm rating just the finger massager here and leaving the defunct ring out of it: it delivers satisfying vibes and invites full partner participation.
Rating:
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-09be3fnkrJcBFT8M2zUcBlPfsl8wV8IHN7M7g52CH0icX5wAePijBioWKUXF_14VuF6d1ZB-ri_Ta3uGvgjRNbipGcWYRC86F2JN3LQOigh38a6SileXU8ehen9ap-AmZEu7qaVhttps://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-YX3RryK-INLi-Lx4adfZ1LoGi9KIKFoGAEOSdMzwIIqxdEBjDlWNrykDc7LF773oQKzeOI2aGSZKACGfkvP0oVi0ZdVH0cvLOKsZOQUj4oQ9mGlcYwhuZlOgjqyFfhjOPrMHs_uhttps://lh6.googleusercontent.com/1D6vuYQ3kNkvrMeJls7u2Hmzp64WKyih7EnfcumFlSTgH7qJ1pDrfHq7fDfUsUOB2WAJeXCEv368-BKaAnjhpoz1fal_goiy92UKnhPt1xqCYiOWfHYX_bsCVUeR0CcjtfX9fnks
Sex toys should be affordable and widely available, and I'm all for more of them in drugstores. Not everyone has easy access to a sex toy store. Online sex toy shopping is only getting better though, and there's a wide range of products for every body and budget on websites like Babeland's and Good Vibrations'. But if I ever forget to pack a vibrator on a trip, or if an adventurous date and I find ourselves outside of a Walgreen's one night, I know what to do.
