15 Signs You May Need Couples Therapy

Life's unpredictability can shake up you and your partner's norm."Unexpected pregnancies, sudden financial changes, or even sudden losses can arise out of nowhere and shift the dynamic of any loving relationship," says Denise Limongello, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in couples counseling. "Experiencing any kind of sudden change in either of your lives can be a great reason to start couples counseling together."

Maybe you've talked about getting hitched and you want to make sure you're both on the same page. "If you're in a relationship that is becoming increasingly committed—prior to entering into a marriage or even just moving in together—this can be a great time to begin couples therapy," says Limongello. "Research shows that married couples who seek help in negotiating a life together prior to committing often report higher levels of satisfaction in their marriages."

Lack of action in the bedroom may indicate a bigger problem. "Couples often report that their sex lives can be a barometer for how the relationship is going," says Limongello. "If you notice that your sex life has begun to die down, it might be a good idea to seek out a couples counselor to acknowledge what's going on between you two. Instead of waiting until your sex life comes to a complete halt, it might be better to seek help sooner rather than later."

Finding yourself in a tangled web of secrets around subjects couples should talk openly about—money spending, hurt feelings, needs that aren't getting met, sexual desire and preferences—is a red flag, says licensed marriage and family therapist Traci Ruble. "We do get to have private lives separate from our partner, but there is a kind of 'avoidance' and 'malaise' in the kinds of secrets we keep that need to be paid attention to."

Fights about stupid stuff that turn into wars could be covering up what you're really mad about, says Ruble. "If you fight more than three times about a Splenda wrapper and it explodes into hatred or isn't resolved, come in," says Ruble. 

"We also develop a generalized and pervasive opinion about our spouse, as they do about us," says Pascale. "They're based upon what we have learned about our partner and what we remember from our experiences together. While a positive bias can make a marriage better, a negative bias can bring one down. So even if our partner does or says something good, we're likely to regard that as an aberration, or we'll dismiss it because we believe there is a negative motive behind it."

No matter how much you want to move on, you have a hard time forgiving each other. If you tend to go in opposite directions when something disagreeable happens, your relationships probably lacks trust and commitment, according to Pascale. "Even if [our partners] try to explain their actions, we're not likely to believe them...because their explanations are inconsistent with our negative perspective," he adds. 

"Every couple disagrees about some things, but when you have very different views about something that's very important [like] parenting, finances, or extended family, a neutral third party can help you explore compromises," says Jill Whitney, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

"If one partner drinks too much, can't control gambling or another behavior, abuses medication, or might have some other addiction, get professional help," says Whitney. "A trained therapist can help you figure out whether the problem is really an addiction and ways to treat it. If the possibly addicted party won't come to therapy, the other spouse can still come. Individual therapy is less likely to solve the problem, but it can help clarify things and support the spouse."

"One of my couple clients began with the wife coming on her own, furious that she couldn't get her husband to get a job and contribute to the family finances pattern," says Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "As they shared their stories and I helped them share their feelings and needs, they became closer, adopted clearer boundaries, and developed more security."

"There [can be] so much going unsaid that the couple act out and don't address the underlying issues that are making them stressed and angry," says Raymond. "Both are tired but refuse to ask for a truce. Couples stuck in this situation are reluctant to attend therapy because they don't want to talk and share. They are more inclined to communicate by doing things to hurt the other as a way of making their partner feel their own pain; they are scared of finding out things that may reflect badly on them."